2006 Asshole of the Year

This is usually a December thing. We wait all year, we watch a collection of assholes pass before us and then on a cold dark night the week before Christmas we declare one person to be the biggest asshole of the year.

But not for 2006.

You see, in 2006 we have the asshole of the year already sewn up in March. This person as been focused. In a mere seven days he went from mildly annoying and ignorable to:

2006 ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR!

His name is Jim Nantz. He's a broadcaster for CBS. Let's take a look at the week that turned him from jock sniffing loser to:

2006 ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR!

Let us go back to last Sunday, March 12th, aka Selection Sunday. The seeds come out and for the first time in history the Missouri Valley Conference has 4 teams selected to the tournament. The tiny Colonial Athletic Conference gets 2 teams into the "big dance" (most reasonable people could see the case made for three CAA teams).

Anyway, Nantz and his gnome like partner Billy Packer are apoplectic. HOW DARE THEY!? How could the tournament include teams from these inferior conferences when Florida State and Michigan proved all year that they are clearly mediocre when compared to the top teams in the league. How could these untested "little schools" be given a chance? They haven't proven their mediocrity against the big boys and shouldn't even get the chance!

And they weren't content just to voice their opinions. Oh hell no! They had to be cocksucking bastards about it. Nantz and Packer pulled out a wealth of worthless information to back their opinion. The ACC's Florida State should be in the tournament, he argued, because the ACC's Duke, North Carolina and Georgia Tech have all made the final four recently. That was it.

Does this, so far, make Jim Nantz asshole of the year? No, not even in the running yet. But then Nantz takes his first step, the step that transforms him from misguided idiot to front runner for:

2006 ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR!

Nantz gets a chance to discuss the selections with Committee Chairman Craig Littlepage. He shows Littlepage no respect, throws out tons of useless facts similar to the one cited above. And then, as Littlepage is about to give the usual "Congrats and good luck to all the teams" Nantz cuts him off and continues to rant like a petulant 2 year old.

For the record of the 32 at large bids for the tournament 24 of them went to the major conferences that Nantz feels were slighted. His behavior put him in the running but did not yet close the voting on:

2006 ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR!

Fast forward to today. The last day of the first weekend of the tournament. The Missouri Valley Conference has two teams- Wichita State and Bradley- in the Sweet 16. That's right, each of those teams beat two big conference schools to advance to the next weekend. Meanwhile, the tiny CAA has just celebrated George Mason's victory over North Carolina. The CAA has a team playing in the second weekend. An at-large, undeserving team if we are to believe our reporters from last week. By the way, part of Florida States' "resume" was that they lost close to UNC. That's right, undeserving George Mason did something Florida State could not.

I watched the GM/UNC game. Mason played tough D and didn't fluke a win on a last second buzzer beater, they won. They can clearly play with the best of the ACC. After the game we head to a game called by Jim Nantz and Billy Packer. It is here were Jim Nantz clinches:

2006 ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR!

The brackets are shown. The winner of this game plays Washington. The winner of that game faces the winner of Wichita State/George Mason for a trip to the final four. That's right. One of those teams is guaranteed a shot at the final four next weekend. One of those teams, that really didn't even deserve to be there gets a shot at the final four. Nantz see's the bracket and comments that George Mason was a team that "some people" thought shouldn't be in the field.

Some people?

Some?

Nantz says some as if he wasn't the epicenter of the whining? Hello! Jim? Please, just admit that you're fucking wrong. If you would just say "Hey, George Mason, Wichita State, Bradley...you guys played well, you proved me wrong. Congrats!" Then you wouldn't be:

2006 ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR!

But no, you blame all the controversy on "some people". I suppose at the end of the year you'll feel bad because "some people" treated Craig Littlepage like an ass on national TV? Some people?!!?! Like who?

Quick poll. Everybody raise your hand if watch the tournament to watch fat cat big schools win all their games...okay....nobody. Now, who watches the tournament to see little schools get a shot at the big schools and maybe, just maybe, win on that last second prayer? Okay....everybody in the fucking world.

So, everybody in the fucking world is out as "some people". That leaves...hmmmm....maybe, do we have any video tape of people bitching about the CAA and and MVC getting the number of bids they did? Oh yes we do. It just happens to be Billy Packer and

2006 ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR!

Jim Nantz! Please accept my invitation to go fuck yourself.

*Note- the only reason Billy Packer doesn't get his award is because he kept his mouth shut. If says anything about "some people" or makes any additional comments he is right there with Nantz. Of course, Packer is such an asshole that he knows an Asshole of the Year moment when he sees it and kept is mouth shut.

The First Lesson of Comedy

The first lesson of comedy.

Nothing is funnier than a monkey fucking a turnip.

Chuckle. Yes, that is funny, even on the most elementary level of:

a) noun (monkey)
b) verb (fucking)
c) noun (turnip)

Why is this funny on the surface? Let's break it down:

A monkey fucking....well that's just funny. Even if it is just another monkey..

But a turnip. A turnip doesn't even have a vagina. And thus comedy is born.

Let's scratch below the surface. Let us, for the sake of this comedy lesson, delve into the deeper reaches of the comedy.

First off, the monkey fucking the turnip will have to spend an inordinate amount of time figuring out 'how?'. A turnip doesn't have a place to fuck, so the monkey will have to figure out where to fuck it.

Each person, as they hear "a monkey fucking a turnip" will envision what is happening. And everything they envision will be funny. As a comic you have lead your audience down the road to laughter.

If they picture the monkey just ramming his monkey bone through the turnip, or they picture him chewing a hole for which to fuck....they will be thinking of something funny. It is their thought that is funny, but you planted that comedy seed. Therefore; points to you.

Second, it is a known fact that nothing stings like turnip juice in the old pecker hole. It is also know that no animal overreacts to the sting of turnip juice in the pecker hole like a monkey. And again, you've merely planted the seed. In the each audience member's mind that monkey is tossing a turnip across the room, scratching the area around his hole furiously, trying to dissipate the stinging pain. It is what the audience imagines that makes it laugh, but you planted the seed. You are funny.

Most audience members will even add to their own funny by imagining an epilogue to the story. Perhaps the monkey shoots a big monkey load all over the turnip, or the monkey is, in turn, fucked my a larger turnip. Or maybe that turnip is coated in monkey juices and served to Aunt Gladys in an Irish Stew. Either way, the audience is making itself laugh, buy you are getting credit for planting the seed.

And therein lies the real lesson.

PLANT THE SEED.

And plant a seed that can grow. Inside jokes and obscure references maybe be funny for you and your idiot friends, but by planting a viable seed everybody will enjoy themselves.

Following this lesson brings you one step closer to Comedy God; i.e. Me.

Much Love

Jim

Well Whoop-De-Damn-Doo

Grey skies are gonna clear up....

Hey everybody! Guess what!

The Devil Rays are going to change their name!

Yay!!

The franchises problems are over!

See, new ownership wants to get rid of the negative connotation that comes with "devil".

Earth to new ownership.

The 'devil' in Devil Rays is the least of your concerns.

The problem is your team sucks.

See, the Devil Rays spent their formative years collecting 5 tool players.

What's that?

A five tool player is a term that old timey guys use to describe players they like.

Most of the time they suck.

Why? Because instead of drafting guys who get on base a lot you've drafted a guy with a "big arm".

And big arms don't mean shit.

Unless you're bowling.

Anyway...the point.

The point is, it is a lot easier to change the name than to get rid of all those tools. Quicker too. So let's give Tampa Bay some help.

Drop me your best ideas and we'll mail them off to the city of Tampa.

Here are some off the top of my head.

Tampa Bay Nine

Tampa Bay Professional Baseball Squad; Brought to you by Cialis

Tampa Bay 23 Skidoo

North Florida Yoga Instructors

Montreal Expos

So there ya go, a good start if I do say so myself.

Scoring Assault Continues

Yo, NBA!

Does anybody here know how to play defense?

Sunday night, the K-Dogg, the Ko to the B, goes for 81 against the Raptors.

As gay radio host Jim Rome would say: howsickisthat?

But then last night.

You have got to be kidding me.

Jamaal Tinsley scores four points.

I'll let that sink in.

Four points.

In only 28 minutes

On only 11 shots.

No threes.

No free throws.

Howsickisthat?

To quote googled eyed retard Stewart Scott: Dogg had madd flava to his game.

I have no idea what that means.

But Jamaal only had 3 turnovers.

More points that turnovers.

Sick indeed.

How sick?

David Harrison, Josh Smith, Jackson Vroman, Brandon Bass, Orien Greene and Brian Scalabrene combined for 2 points last night....in 73 minutes.

Dog outscored SIX NBA players in nearly a third less minutes.

Do tell Mr. Rome....how sick is that?

Hello? Anybody There?

You have got to be kidding me.

Kobe Bryant scored 81 points last night.

81! For those of you who don't know, that is one more than 80.

What is going on the Raptors huddle as the game goes on.

End of half, Raptors up, Kobe has 26.

"Okay guys, good work. Let Kobe get his and we'll still win. He can't beat us by himself!"

Chuckles and High Fives All around.

Middle of third Quarter.

"Hey, who is guarding Kobe?"

End of third Quarter.

"Seriously, who is guarding Kobe?"

Every time out during the fourth quarter?

"If you get a chance, could one of you guard Kobe?"

And so on and so forth.

But here is the big part, here is the amazing thing.

I can't even hate on Kobe for this.

Seriously. Nobody hates like I hate, and I can't hate on Kobe this morning.

I took a peek at the standings. The Lakers are only 1.5 games ahead of NOOCH and Minnesota, in a three team battle for 2 playoff spots.

And still, I can't hate.

Who can hate this, what kind of sick bastard doesn't see this and enjoy it?

Shaq?

Maybe.

81 points....I've never done that in video hoops with one player.

I've never done it in Strat, going to the Mailman every chance I could.

I topped out at 55.

C'mon.

81 points.

That's got to be the most ever!

Yo Jim, Wilt once scored 100!

Yea, yea yea.

Wilt scored a hundred.

But that happened in Hershey, PA.

And you know my old philosophy- if it happened in Hershey, it never happened.

So, for today only, all you haters stop your hatin'.

All hail King Kobe.

Modern Athletes Suck!

Jim is on vacation this week. In his place we will be running columns from other luminaries in the sporting universe. Today's piece is from Sports Illustrated's resident grumpy old man, Frank Deford.



I can't stress enough how much modern athletes suck. Why, just the other day, I was watching a sporting event, it really doesn't matter what, and I just have to say, the athletes really sucked. Where is my nurse? I think I pooped on myself and need my Depends changed.

So did you catch this "football" game yesterday? I put football in those little flying hashmark thingies because calling what I watched football is an insult to all the gridiron greats of yesteryear. Why the chumps we watched yesterday weren't fit to toss the oblong sphere with Red Grange in practice.

Look at this guy, Carson Palmade. He "got hurt" and had to leave "the" game. With torn ligaments? What are those? Why I was covering the Packers before the first Super Bowl and let me tell you, those were men. The night before the game Vince Lombardi beat Bart Starr to death with a ham sandwich after Starr had complimented the coach on his new tie. Apparently that was a little too faggy for Lombardi.

The point being Starr was dead. But he still managed to play the game the next day and was named MVP. That is football. These modern athletes stink, like the decaying excrement seeping out my butthole as I type.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yea, these guys sucked. Like back in the old days, I used to watch Clifton Wells play basketball at the old Armory for a nickel, that's right five cents. And he just didn't 'play' basketball, he performed the art of basketball. Beautiful set shots, crisp chest passes. I remember the best year I saw him, he average 5 points game- nearly 75% of his team's total! Let's see Scot Pollard do that. And not only did he fill it up, he also went up and got it out. That's right, after every score he'd climb a ladder and get the ball out of the peach basket. Modern athletes like Jason Kidd are probably too 'busy' to pitch in with little things like that. He's more concerned with dazzling the fans with behind the back passes and fast break points. I don't know what they call that, but it ain't basketball.

Man, I'm really starting to stink, I sure hope somebody comes by soon to change my adult diapers.

Don't even get me started on baseball. A few years ago, Barry Bonds hit 73 homers. Let me repeat that SEVENTY THREE HOMERS! Is this what baseball has come to-scoring runs? Back when I was a kid I went to a double header between the New York Sportsman's Baseball Club of New York and a group of local Negroes. It took a week to complete the two 1-0 masterpieces. Both games, all 276 innings, were played with the same baseball. The ball had the shape and feel of a rotten tomato by the time Chester Rothstein of New York came all the way around on a four base error in the bottom of the 140th inning to complete the sweep. A finer time has never been had at a ballgame.

I should also mention that Grady Jackson, who pitched complete games in both ends of the double header for the Negroes, played the last 100 innings of game 2 with a broken fibula that had actually broken the skin. Now you have pussies like Eric Lindros missing games with "concussions", modern quackery at work for the modern carpetbagger/athlete.

Sweet Jesus, I hope a nurse shows up here soon, I fear I'm developing a sever rash from sitting in my own feces.

Of course, football, baseball and basketball pale in comparison to the farce that is modern Boxing. The Sweet Science indeed. Today you have to pay upwards of $75 to see title fights on TV. And you're damn relieved if the match ends with a clear decision. Today's sport is so over run with ghetto criminals, mafia bosses, cannibals, homosexuals and communists that the fix is most likely in before Jim Lampley's toupee settles in for the nights. Back when I was a cub reporter for the Stetson County Picayune I had the extreme pleasure of covering a real boxing title fight. Gentleman Jim Fauntleroy took on Gentleman Jim Cook for the world's title (only one of them back then kids). The fight went 150 rounds, which were 5 minutes long back then, and was ended when Gentleman Jim Cook died after a vicious blow to the head. It was the 50th such blow he had taken, and, as others struggled to keep his weeping widow from the corpse, I noticed his head had the shape and feel of a rotten tomato. It was also Fauntleroy's last match as he suffered severe brain damage, living out his days in a rest home under the delusion that he was a princess of an imaginary kingdom in the clouds. Now that was boxing!

Dammit! It appears that I've been wallowing in my own fetid waste for too long and excrement is starting to seep through my protective garment. Well, at least I've got another paycheck coming for my brilliant insight into the sports world.

It's Bowl Time

Word up peeps. It that time of the year, the best time of the year.

NFL Bowl Time.

Being the gracious blogger that I am, I'll give you my picks. Get your bets in early.

TBS Bowl
Dallas 9-7 vs San Diego 9-7: All those Bowl system naysayers should remember the TBS Bowl next time they clamor for a playoff system. The NFL isn't about declaring a champion. It's about the pageantry, splendor and spectacle of games like the TBS Bowl. I like the Chargers although Dallas could be motivated for what might be the last game for "The Tuna". A last game, mind you, that wouldn't be possible without the bowl system.

Chef Boyardee Freedom Bowl
Atlanta 8-8 vs Minnesota 9-7: Awesome, Awesome matchup. Again, playoff proponents, why would you be against this? Another chance to see the electrifying Mike Vick! Against the Minnesota Vikings to boot, as if Vick himself wasn't spectacle enough. Vick and the Falcons win a game that goes to 11 on the pageantry scale.

North Dakota Bowl
Seattle 13-3 vs Miami 9-7: Let the flood of mail begin. But before you send me anything let me reiterate I don't make the BCS rules! Look the NFC West champion does not get an automatic bid to the Championship Series. That sucks. I agree. But the NFL has made provisions for NFC West teams to earn their way into the championship. It is not their fault you lost your defacto playoff games in the regular season.

Miami by two touchdowns.

Larry Flint Presents: Barely Legal.com Bowl
Washington 10-6 vs Kansas City 10-6: The Granddaddy of them all, the overwhelming spectacle that is the Larry Flint Presents: Barely Legal.com Bowl. Joe Gibbs, true grit, passion and appreciation of pageantry vs Dick Vermeil, in his final game as coach. In the end the Redskins defense overcomes any sentiment on the Kansas City side. Washington, in a rout.

Mid-State Office Supply Snapdragon Bowl:
Chicago 11-5 vs Tampa Bay 11-5: Smashmouth football at its best. There is no love or pageantry lost in this contest. This is going to be a huge treat for the fans- when Tampa Bay takes on Chicago, the only loser is the team with less points.

And that will be Chicago.

Meaning I'm picking Tampa Bay.

And now, the big games, the games we've been waiting our entire lives to watch. The Bowl Championship games.

Henderson's Pork Cracklins Bowl brought to you by Citi
New York Giants 11-5 vs Carolina 11-5: Not the greatest of the Championship matchups, but this one will be special for one very big reason, Chris Berman. This is the last game he will ever broadcast and America will sorely miss his witty nicknames. So Chris, give us one last Eli "Hey Mr. Tally" Manning for the road.

As for my pick, who cares!? Chris Berman!

The Frito Lay Trump Bowl
Jackonsville 12-4 vs Pittsburgh 11-5: There is nothing more pageantental than Donald Trump singing the national anthem, introducing the players, flipping the coin and then kicking off to open up the bowl game that bears his name. Pittsburgh wins big in the last game for Jerome Bettis (thank you Bowl System!)

The Technotron Office Systems Nashville City Council Bowl to Promote Tourism in Nashville
Cincinnati 11-5 vs Denver 13-3: Again, Denver fans, do not write me to complain about not being in the title game. It is not my call. And remember- defacto playoff. Sit back, enjoy the pageantry and watch your team win by two touchdowns.

If "your team" is Cincinnati.

Capitol One/Citi Bank Classic brought to you by Cialis Lombardi Bowl
Indianapolis 14-2 vs New England 10-6: New England is a dynasty. All the pageantry in the world won't help the Colts beat the Patriots. In a recent Jim: The Blog poll the Patriots were named the greatest anything of all time. Along the way they defeated:

'92 Dallas Cowboys
Lombardi Era Packers
'27 Yankees
Joe Frasier, George Foreman, Mike Tyson and Muhammad Ali
Truman
Nazis
Iron Chef Bobby Flay (Turkey Battle)
Satan

They also won American Idol, The Spelling Bee, Miss America and the Trojan War.

They beat the Colts on a Vanderjagt field goal.

Bet on it.